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| I haven't made an entry in a while, and yet so much has happened, I haven't written any new material, yet I have so many things I want to get down... I want to type what I'm thinking but it's as though my mental character limit has been reached. Anyways, Melanie misses me being her xanga buddy so I figured writing atleast this much is better then totally abadoning this place. If I didn't make an entry soon, I would have returned here and thought "there's no point in making a new entry now-- probably no one comes here anymore." I wonder if anyone besides Melanie ever did to begin with. Hmm... well yeah, that's it. I have this one poem I was working on, I guess I'll put it up here when I feel like it's perfected.
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| So recently I've almost been kicked out of my house, got my heart broken, got false hope and re-broke it, tried to be content with what I now have until that was taken away as well and it is now just another thing I had. From strangers, to acquaintances, to best friends, to lovers, to best friends, to what seems to be just acquaintances again. Now he may move in with his dad and I might as well just be a stranger again. Point is, I've been awfully stressed and when I tried to take a day off for myself that day ended with being one of the most stressful of all.
Today I nearly forgot about it, children being my distraction from reality. It's a shame that daycare center is going out of business, but I'm glad I got to meet the children Lisa is always talking about. One boy stood out most, his name is Justin. He's supposedly out of control, but all I had to do was ask him to sit down with Miss. Amy and he was a perfect angel. I got him to calm down and eat the lunch his mother made him. He asked me if I wanted his apple juice and I told him I couldn't have it because I just ate and I'm not allowed to have much sugar. He then asked me to read him the ingredients to the apple juice and said that he would share with me next time.
He gave me his "good" paper airplane, and when he won a game he promised me the stickers he won if I came back tomorrow. I told him I couldn't, so he said he would save them for me. He then kissed me on the cheek and asked me to meet his mom... so basically, I made myself a 4-year old boyfriend.
One girl was crying because there were no more cookies left, so I decided to give her pocky and got her to stop crying. It made me feel awfully good about myself. Another girl, all I said to her was "That's a nice drawing" and she came up to me a few moments later with a cut out paper heart. AHH they were just all soo adorable. It really took my mind off things, made me feel useful, and just gave me enough joy to last the day.
I may go back Thursday, and Friday (the last day) <3
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| a few things;
Romance isn't Love,
it's just the cliche begining of a relationship
it takes much more to actually have a relationship
and when your willing to make the sacrafice of romance
for comfort, support, and trust... that is love.
If you lose a relationship you don't always learn
you don't always gain experience or knowledge
People just try and BS them self into believing that
what they had held some type of purpose
and convince them self they didn't completely waste
time and energy purposelessly.
But when it comes down to it, sometimes it really
was just a complete waste.
What you've been through together could be forgotten &
promises that were made could easily be broken.
you don't always learn from taking a risk and making a mistake
and you'll probably take the risk and make other mistakes
being completely aware that you've been through it already.
k&now I'm just blabbering on because I've been tickled
with depression recently and realized that hope in something,
or SOMEONE is just there to screw with your logic.
I would say I'm done being screwed with
but deep down I know hope, love, and all that other pointless crap
will surely get in the way of me recieting that phrase and
actually sticking to it.
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| No time for your false affection,
words and actions that show contradiction.
you'll kiss me now for a memory tomorrow
but tired lips? a heart full of sorrow?
it's just not welcome, and further more,
it's time you stop acting so unsure.
I'm selfish, you're sorry, we're both insecure
and a relationship? it's something we can not endure
save those false affections for the next heart you break
because a fickle love is something we both can't take.
&those are my feelings.
I wanted to get back with him, I really did.
Although his actions show more then his words
the question is why would he would sacrafice my feelings
in order to make up his mind if he really did love me
and wether or not it'd be worth waiting for a risky relationship.
ugghhh. I need hugs&stuff. D:
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| So I wanted to write an interesting passage to describe how I feel about my social and personal issues, but because I haven't slept for 5 days straight besides short naps squeezed in a miserable schedule of countless hours of no rest, I find it impossible to summarize anything other then that feeling. And although those quick naps are refreshing, they only give me a taste of sleep. I didn't think I would appreciate the act so much as I do right now. The only time I feel like I'm still alive is when I get those few highs, and even when I do and even when I'm able to act like my regular lively self, I have a hard time remembering what it was exactly that was making me feel so lively and if I was really acting like me and not just making a complete fool of myself. I'm starting to forget the sentences I said before the last, and the thoughts that lead to the statement. Even now, I'm not even sure if my words are making any sense and just typing as if I know exactly what I'm saying. Inosmnia is a word I used freely, always having trouble sleeping, but never like this. I used to appreciate the nights I couldn't sleep in order to have time to think to myself, but now all my thoughts are blending together and I can only think of how much I want to be able to close my eyes and shut off my mind. I can't stop dwelling on things and the temptation to bash my head against my wall is growing stronger. My body feels numb, the lights are making my vision blur, and I'm feeling objects to make sure they are really real. I don't feel like I'm alive anymore. | | |
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